Christmas Isn’t always Merry

Christmas time can be a difficult time for many people. Grieving loses, broken relationships, people who have passed on, family, friends, shopping, traffic, money, etc. Can all be a source of joy and happiness for some and can also be a source of added pain and looniness for others. There always seems that with the joy comes a certain amount of stress but the joy that many focus on and present to the world can actually make some feel worse. When a person struggling with depression or other mental health issues and/or dealing with estranged or dysfunctional family system looks around and only sees the joy and happy family moments others share it can increase their feelings of depression, anxiety, etc. I often remember thinking something was wrong with me and that I was worse than I thought if I felt worse during happy times when I should logically feel better. Some of that unhappiness is rooted in dissatisfaction and comparing myself, my family, my situation to those around me (or what I saw of those around me). Just because someone posts happy family pictures on social media doesn’t mean they are not struggling with the same shit but it doesn’t mean they are either. Comparing quickly leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Just because the world appears happy and you think you “should” feel happy or have “no reason” to feel depressed doesn’t for one second mean that you don’t feel that or that it is not OK to feel whatever you feel. Feelings are simply energy in motion, they come and they go. Ignoring them won’t make them go away but beating yourself up for feeling them only keeps you stuck. Its like surfing a wave…you acknowledge it and ride it out.

Below are a couple poems that I wrote, when I was in my teens, about the holidays. My hope is that you can find some validation for what you may be feeling and some hope that it can and does get better. I’m not saying that it’s easy or without pain and struggle but that it can and does get better in time.

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A home is one thing

I’ve never really had

The only feeling

I now know is sad

Wrapped up in many curses

Are the blessing that I own

Tied with a bow of insecurity

By the ribbon of unknown

Merry Christmas

And holiday cheer

I’ve lost everything

I once held dear

 

Happy New Years

Happy new years

To the world

Why the frown

My little girl

The tears shimmering

In your eyes

Are straining your

Cheeks of white

Every dream you

Have ever dreamt

To nowhere is

Where it went

Any hope you

Have ever had

Has flown away

Or gone bad

Always asking the

Question of why

Leaving only a

Desire to die.

 

Sarcasm

Yippie, a Merry Christmas to me

I get to shatter another heart.

Oh what fun this joyous holiday brings

What great pleasure to have you here

To only in my folly

Toss and break your heart

The heart that beats only for me

Or at least that’s what you say

To believe or not to believe

And if we choose to, in what shall we believe

I have chosen not to believe you

Consumed by my fear, living this life of sin

I choose not to believe in anything

The question asked throughout ages

To be or not to be

And in embracing death

I choose not to be

Oh sweet Merry Christmas to me!

 

Happy holidays

How I hate the holidays

So much happiness and good will

When these things really don’t exist

Everyone knows this inside

Yet prefer to play the game of “everything’s fine”

“Come out and play” they call

No thank you

I’ll stay in my little world

As painful as it may be

At least it’s something real and true

God knows I hate fake superficiality

Living alone in this solitude

Yes it gets lonely

But it’s better than those out there

They fake their friendships and happiness

I think lonely is far sweeter than wounded.

 

-Have a safe Christmas and check out my next blog that gives some coping skills and tips for a Holiday survival guide.